you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
love makes seman taste better
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
