new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
