After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Randomize
