omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
