someone threw a dead crab at me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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