I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
