You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
