It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
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