My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
