rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
