Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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