hell yes lets make some ravioli
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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