And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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