I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
its not stalking. its research.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
