I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
