you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
