From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
