the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
