I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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