gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone signed my nipple.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
