I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
