I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
