she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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