K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
