No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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