he shaved USA in his pubs
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
