Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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