If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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