she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
