i can't believe i had my finger in that
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
