I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
