1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
