currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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