we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
