Got a toothbrush?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
