If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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