at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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