It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
