two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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