If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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