This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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