So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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