I must be too annoying 4 u.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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