your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
