Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
