Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
