i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
