His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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