Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
