I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
