someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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