my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
