My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
