9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
